White Pickett Fences

I thought everyone would have their white picketts if they tried and dreamed of it hard enough. Now, after trying for 4 years, I don't think the pickett fence is there to hold the love in. It might be there to hide all the bad things in their lives. No one has the perfect life. I realized that the day I went to pick up my little baby girl. We were driving home I was in the passanger seat and observing everyone in their cars laughing or just sitting there and they had no clue I was sitting there with my baby in my lap in a box. We have learned to put our fences up so everyone sees what we want them too. We are taught to put on the perfect clothes and have the perfect house that looks like it has never been dirty and pretend that we are truely happy. We wouldn't know what happiness was without the sadness. When I feel happy, I truely apreciate it, because it doesn't last, but you can always hope for more!


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Poopy faces

It is so much fun being a mom. Gunnar can make me so mad and then he gives me that gorgeous smile and my heart melts. He can make me laugh with out even trying! He does this half smile while the vein in his forehead pops out when he stops everything to poop! I just laugh! Then he loves to laugh. I always get the dog to run around in the morning and he laughs so hard and then trys himself to get her to run. The dog just looks at him like what are you doing and I have to laugh again. Then we dance every morning. I turn on the music and most one year olds bounce up and down and he does that sometimes but he actually spins in a circle and waves his hands in the air. It is the cutest thing in the world! Then the nights I don't work he goes through the kamikaze phase, because he gets tired. He starts getting really clumsy. It is cute also, even though he gets really frustrated.

Crashing

I believe we are put on this earth to touch people. My daughter, even though she was never alive out of my tummy, touched so many people through what I went through, to what actually happened to her. And I think with life being so busy and fast with how our sociaty is, we forget to reach out and touch the people around us until we just crash into each other! And sometimes that is the touching that we need to wake up and see how important lifes lessons are. I work in a place where you see people everyday at there worst or at the very best. And no one wants to take a look around and observe there surroundings and actually see that person sitting by themselves in the corner needing just anyone to look and see they are there and life is just crap, but they are there just to see if they could just crash into someone. To make them feel like there is a reason to keep on living. This man walked in to the bar the other day(he was very creepy) and I though from just looking at him he is bad news. He ordered his drinks then bought a whole bottle of peppermint schnapps and left. Then he came back and ordered some food and a pitcher of beer. He kind of scared me the way he looked at me and talked, but then I really started to observe him. He had long hair and a beard. He also had a marines jacket on. I think he just wanted to be noticed, just anyone. Not like I wouldn't be scared if I saw him in a dark alley, but I could almost feel his loneliness. It's sad how we go and just look for that one touch to snap us out of what ever we are going through!

Old Fashioned!

I work as a bartender most of the time at the local resturant here in town. And it boggles my mind how men really think. Is it just wyoming guys or is it all guys in general? I never ever get asked out on a date, but I do get asked (alot) if I would like to be some of the guys bed buddies. I am old fashioned and I don't think it says alot about me if I was to be someones buddy for the night. If I just wanted an orgasm I would get a vibrator. Men in general are pigs but when you add alcohol in them they get even worse! I would love a man to just ask me out on a date and not think that I was just some little harlet to be used. And yes I do work the bar and I am there to make a buck, but I talk to everyone about my son and how cute he is. How do they get that I would just want to sleep around. But the girls out here seem to do that. The guys don't think, can I get that girl, it's more like, okay I will wait my turn. You would think in a small town that is dominated mainly by men that women would be a little more picky and have alittle more respect for themselves!

Cute little Boys

It's funny, little boys have always been attracted to me. They always act shy and have to stand by me. I used to babysit for the cutest little toehead you've ever seen. He would run around the house, then stop in front of me and say "I Love you" and then run around the house again and then do it over again. Gunnar is different though! He does things to make my heart with up with so much love I think it will just burst right out of my chest. I wake up in the morning make my coffee, make Gunnar some breakfast, then we go in the family room and turn on the music and we dance and play all morning. And if I am just having a hard day he will play with himself and then come over periodically and give me a big hug and sit on my lap for a second and then play some more. He has me wrapped around is little finger and I love it!!

Man in the Moon

Wouldn't you just love to hide away for a while on the moon. That is what I thought of when I saw this picture! To just get away and relax from all the bills, men, problems at work, and the messy house that desparately needs to be cleaned. I like the thought of an escape sometimes, but then what good is a break when you get back and it is all there and maybe some more. But this picture also invokes a thought of finally finding that man in the moon. That perfect someone to help you through all the trials and tribulations. We all dream of our fairy tale endings, but no one ever talks about after. When prince charming is drunk and passed out on the bed while the baby is screaming and your ready to pull your hair out. I think Disney did a bad thing for little girls. They made us believe everything would turn out perfect. They never taught us that life, not just relationships, takes hard work and that we will have our happy endings even if its not what we planned on.

loneliness

There is this man that comes into the resturant every night. He has his martini, then his glass of red wine and then he orders his burnt rare sirlion with either brocoli or asparagas. Then I worked the other morning as a waitress and found out that he sits in his spot at the bar and orders his lunch. He is a bitter man, but I can get him to warm up when I bartend or waitress. He seems like a good man, just very lonely! I wonder will I end up like that, just going out to a resturant every night just to have some conversation with anyone. Or will I end up being that crazy cat woman. It is really hard to be a single mom. Don't get me wrong, I love Gunnar more than anything! But sometimes I feel like I need some adult conversation. Out here people are different. I have tons of offers to be somebodies bed buddy, but none to even just go out on a date. But the other night I bartended, and the group that comes in every friday came in and they actually asked me to go to the local bar with them. It was a change! But I had to go pick Gunnar up and my exhusband is always there so I said no. Maybe I am doomed to be alone the rest of my life, who knows. But hopefully Gunnar will always love me and will keep me from being too lonely!

How Gunnar and I came to be!

I went through a lot to finally end up with the love of my life. I got married at 20, way to young in my opinion! My newly exhusband and I had a rough start with money and alcohol. We ended up pregnant seven months later(or so that is what the doctor said, I believe I was pregnant a little sooner). I decided I would leave David because he was drinking us out of house and home and then he talked me into coming back. I was under so much stress from him and everyday stuff I ended up having a still born at 34 weeks of pregnancy. We named her Achaella Brises. That really took a toll on me. I really didn't want to get over her death. I ended up never sleeping and having to take sleeping pills for about a year. I made really bad choices, like drinking too much. Then my parents moved to Greybull, wyoming. David begged me to move up there so we could be closer, why he did this I have no clue. I continually said no. I was to scared to move anywhere other than where I was from. So on halloween night I spent five hours on the 241 and 91 freeways and I said this is going to kill me. I can't do it any longer. So we moved here to greybull from california. I ended up getting pregnant not even a month later. Then 7 weeks later I miscarried while my husband was passed out in bed. So, I was devasted! I thought how can I put myself through this any longer. So, I looked into adopting, because I wanted a baby so badly. But we couldn't afford it. Davids drinking got ten times worse, so I left! And I wasn't going to let him persuade me back again. Then I found out that I was pregnant! I thought well how can I do it on my own, so I went back again! Things didn't change, and Then once I had Gunnar he got even worse. I sent david to rehab and it didn't work. So now I live with my Gorgeous Gunnar! He keeps me busy(that is for sure, haha). And I wouldn't change anything! I wouldn't know what to do without Gunnar.