It's funny I started this blog to help me get through things and to get things off my chest. And it has helped even if I am alittle depressing. I remember when I was in elementary school I got alittle embarrassed(a normal thing for me). The teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up and the only thing I could think of is I just want to be happy. Then when everyone was telling the career paths that they want, I got a little embarrassed and said the same thing as the person next to me. I have always tried to be happy, but it always seems like something pulls me down. But on wednesday maybe things will change. I have tried everything possible to be happy but I feel like I'm at a losing battle. But maybe this therapy(if you can call it that) will help. And maybe I wont focus on all the bad things that has happened to me. And if it works I will be sure to tell everyone about it. Living in darkness is not an option any more. I can't go on any longer like this! I want to be able to make my son happy!

Outside!

Well, I decided I needed some sun(maybe it would help my mood). So, I decided to make some progress on my yard. So Gunnar and I go out side and it just seems so impossible so I got the patio cleared off at least before Gunnar started to throw a fit.

In the picture he was really wanting to just play with the door, but it looks like he is saying let me out!! He is so cute and he loves being outside! We were only out there maybe a half hour and I was on the phone with my sister for part of the time. She just worries about me and wants to try and talk to me everyday. I am so lonely out here I don't really mind her concern for me. It's just nice to be able to talk to someone, anyone!!! I go to work and I deal with all sorts. But I deal mainly with the drunks, because the boss thinks it is a good investment for me to be a bartender. Why I don't know other than people tend to really like to talk to me. But this picture to the right is what I have to work with. I don't have any tiny bit of a green thumb!! So, for me to look at this it looks just impossible. But it is my goal to at least have a tinted green thumb!!But I do have some flowers already!! And I didn't have to even touch them, that is probably why they are living in the first place, but it gives me hope that maybe they can live with out having a green thumb.





But here is a cute pic of my gorgeous Gunnar wanting to pick my cute little flowers. He threw a fit after that because I wouldn't let him!!

Irreversable

I got my hopes up again! Sometimes the hope helps in looking to the future. But sometimes it just makes all the pain just hurt that much more. I am having a hard time. I feel like every step just isn't getting me anywhere! I'm going in circles and I can't find the right path for me or for my son. I started to feel like someone could actually love someone as broken as I am and he was just feeding me lines to try and get in my pants. I know I am not truly alone. The footprints in the sand are not mine, if they were they wouldn't be footprints but drag marks. But the hope of having someone with me and having a family just don't seem possible. I am living my life by the second, because I can't stand to think of the future and what it may hold or not hold for me. I wish I didn't have to for Gunnar's sake, but this is the only way I know how I can make him happy. He knows I am feeling down and I hate that, but I am trying. Sometimes it feels like things are just so messed up they are irreversable.

The Resturant

It's funny, you look at a waitress and you think low end job. What happened in her/his life for her to just want to do that. You can actually make good money doing that. You have to put up with a lot. From the really needy to the just plain jerks in this world. But the best thing about working in a resturant is that the people that work there are so close. We are like a family. All the misfits in there just click. We all have our own different personalities and for some reason we are the closest friends. We have the kids that work there that like to play around. We have the cooks that have all the say, so don't make them mad or you won't get your food when you want it. And then you have the bartenders that are incharge of the things that make the resturant the most money. We like to play pranks on each other. Johnny has no problem in losing his ticket book. He leaves it anywhere, so I pick it up and put it in an obvious place(in plain sight) and it just drives him nuts. Then we go around scarying each other! I'm the best, if you don't include louie!

Pack You Baggage!

I was thinking the other day that I wear my scars like badges. I don't regret anything, but I am glad I have the knowlege that I have. Kind of like a suitcase. You mend the rips and snags along the way and then you have the stickers pasted on it to remind you of the places you have been and the people that have touched you. With time the rips and snags blend in with wear, but they are there to remind us just the same. I hope to give Gunnar the knowlege to be able to learn from and mend those rips and snags life gives him.

Just so Frequent

Lately, it seems like people losing babies is just so frequent. I lost my little girl almost four years ago and sometimes, like now, it seems like it just happened. The pain I can usually bury in the back of my mind is just pulled to the front and to hear my son cry is such a relief. So I decided to get Achaella's story out of my head...
My ex-husband and I had gotten married and it was rocky from the beginning. Then we ended up pregnant 6 months later. I think it was at least a month before, but the doctor didn't want to listen to the most regular person in the world. Everything in the pregnancy was going fine. I felt strange about it but I put it off thinking my body was just going through so many changes that a doctor or a book couldn't really explain. I had to really strange dreams in that time. The first was me laying in a hospital bed with it propped up somewhat and someone sitting by my bed side. I was holding a baby and the baby wouldn't cry. So, for the next couple weeks I kept saying to everyone I can't wait to hear my baby cry. Then I had the second one and someone was bringing my baby to me while I was in bed. The baby was in a blue and red striped sleeper and the baby was crying! To my relief! So, when I was about 5 months pregant(according to the doctor) I started to bleed. I went into the er and they did an ultra sound and the tech thought that he had seen something, but when he went back to look again found nothing. The tech and my ex-husband had talked me into finding out the sex. I was going to have a little girl! I also found out that the little butterflies I had been feeling were not the sew farts that I so frequently had, were actually the little girl moving! I ended up changing doctors after that, because the nurse wasn't understanding in my worries about bleeding fresh blood and told me to just wait another week for my next appointment. I fought with her and he finally agreed to see me two days after. Then a day before my next appointment I started what I figured was braxton hicks. They started around 11:00am and went until 5:oopm. By 4:30 that day I thought if this is practice then I am going to have a rude awakening when labor actually starts! I went to my appointment the next day and my doctors nurse forgot to call me and tell that he was going to reschedule the appointment. So, I told the receptionist that I just wanted to make sure what I went through was braxton hicks, if another doctor could see me that would set my mind at ease. So, I saw doctor T. He said I had gone into labor because I had started to dialate. So I told him of my problems with the other doctor and I asked if I could have him be my doctor through the rest of my pregnancy and he said that he would. So, he put me on these pills to stop the contraction, which they kind of did, even thought they made me swell up so badly. I couldn't put my regular shoes on so I had to wear my sandals which had a thick strap and my skin would cover the strap from being so swollen. I had to go to the er a couple of times to get the shot from HELL to stop the contractions. But other than that things were going pretty well. I would drive to and from work and listen to music and sing and she would dance in my tummy. When I put my hand on my stomach she would either put her hand on mine(kind of like she was trying to hold my hand) or she would press her head into my hand. I would talk to her in the car and tell her things like I would make her very first halloween costume and if she wanted me to I would even make her prom dress. I would also tell her that I would make her life as happy as I could, I would kiss every booboo and hold her until she stopped crying. And most of all I told her that I loved her with all my heart. By August I decided that everthing was to stressful and kind of put myself on bed rest. On the 20th I felt really strange and I decided to stay in bed while my ex-husband had my cousin over. I only got up to make spaghetti. My ex was drinking and I didn't want to rush to the hospital to have another shot so I just dealt with the contractions, thinking I've gone this long with out the baby coming today will be fine. My cousin decided to spend the night and David finally came to bed around 12:00 and asked if I was ok and I said that I felt strange like something was wrong, but I decided to just go to sleep. I woke up at 1:00 in the most pain I had ever felt in my life. I woke david up and he was cranky, so I decided to just call the doctor and find out if I should come in or not. They said that I was probably in labor and should come in. 1:30 we left with my cousin driving. It only took about 20 minutes to get there, but it felt like a year. The pain had gotten so bad I started throwing up. We get there and go to the front of the building and the doors are locked with a sign saying to go to the back doors for an emergency. We get in there and they ask if I need a wheel chair and I said that I could make it. We went up to the second floor and the nurse told me to get changed in the bathroom of the room. As I got to walk out it feels like my water had broke. I open the door and tell david, he looks down and his face turns white. I look down and it is only blood and tons of it. He screams for the nurse and she gets me in the bed and puts the monitors on and then all hell broke loose I had iv's and and cathitor(however you spell that) and all the paper work. Then they push my bed into the operating room, the doctor is there and pulls up an ultra sound machine and yells at the nurse beside me that he lost the heart beat. They put the mask on my to put me under and he tells me everything is going to be ok. Meanwhile, my parents, cousin, and my ex-husband are in the room waiting. After I woke up in my room and everyone is there, and I told them I had lost her. My baby Achaella. I remember that and I remember when they brought her in so I could see her. I was in a hospital bed, I was kind of sitting up holding her with my mom at my bed side crying and the only things I could say is I want her to cry! Just like the first dream. The doctor came in alittle later in tears saying I tried, I didn't think it would end like this.
But on a happier note, I woke up after having my son, and my mother in law brought him in to my room crying because he was hungry in a blue and red striped sleeper.

Breakdown!

Sometimes I feel like I need to just breakdown. Take a walk in blissful insanity! Just take a break and pretend I am in a nut house and take my finger to my lips while making a motor boat noise! Last night Gunnar woke up three times and I maybe got about four hours of sleep. Then he is just cranky today, which doesn't help that he has two new teeth. But mommy wants to have a nervous breakdown! Whenever he is like this it seems like life is just bad, and nothing is going right. I tend to go through these times when nothing is right and work is icky and my son is just screaming! Sometimes the straight jacket sounds very comforting! At least with the jacket on I wouldn't be pulling my hair out from all the stress!
I just feel all alone and you see people happy and you think why can't I find that someone to laugh at me when I want to be alittle nutty! At walmart on sunday there was this couple in the baby section. The man was feeding their new baby girl and they were talking and laughing. I don't wish them not to have that, but I would like to have that too. Someone to be a buffer for when Gunnar wants to be a turd bucket! So, I guess while I wait, I will just be happy when he goes down for a nap and mentally commit myself to the insane assylum!

Patience!

I have learned that Gunnar KNOWS how to get my goat up. I used to think I had tons of patience, but then I have a son and he just gives me that look of defiance and I want to pull my hair out! Yesturday I took Gunnar to walmart and he wanted to get into everything and run a muck and by the end of the trip I was suprised that my hair was still on my head. We were standing in the checkout line and he wouldn't stop pulling on the persons cart behind us and then he got mad at me for telling him to stop and he started throwing our stuff in their cart! Luckily the lady just thought it was cute, even though I wanted to just have a mental breakdown! Then he has started with fits that past three weeks(It feels like it has been a year). He screams and then starts to cry and then plops down on his tush and then lays down on his back and cries. I don't give into the fits, but they just seem to get worse! Argh!!!
My friend, Louie, comes over everyonce in a while and Gunnar just loves him. But louie and I were talking at work the other day and he said that I walked out of the room and he told Gunnar to stop doing something and he listened without a fit. And as soon as I walk back in the room and tell him no he throws the biggest fit. He also said that he does it to try and push me. To try and see how far he can push me. And that is how I feel sometimes. I have never seen anyones child throw a fit like that. I know that I am not the only one with a child that throws a fit, but where did my patience go!!

Juno

I was thinking I need a funny blog on here. So, I decided to tell you about my little baby girl! We got my Juno the month before I lost my my first baby. So, that should give you a hint on how spoiled the dog is. She became my baby! She lets me cradle her like a baby, she always has to be where I am in the house, and she hates me to leave!
My sister came to live with us for a couple of months and she was having a hard time finding a job so I asked if she would keep the house clean(my husband at the time was a COMPLETE slob) then that would more than take care of the rent. Well, every morning I had two to say goodbye too. I would tell Dana goodbye and then I would kiss juno on the top of her head and tell her to be good for Dana. Dana said she would sit at the top of the stairs and wait until she heard the garage door close and then look right into Danas eye and pee. Dana would smack her on the butt and put her outside. She was convinced that Juno knew exactly what she was doing and challenging her. But in defense, my baby never pottied in the house when I was there!LOL! She would do it everyday to her. I found out every time I left even to the store, right after I had let her out to do her privite stuff, she would do that!
Another thing that was funny about her, was that she was terrified of cats. We had lived in a condo, so we had to walk down kind of a hallway to the grass and at the end of the hallway the cats would hide in the bushes and once Juno would get to them the cats would jump out at here and she would pee and yelp all the way back to the front door. My poor baby! I would have to laugh though!
The one thing I have not been able to break her of is her barking. She just carries on and won't stop. She wakes Gunnar up all the time. So I decided to barrow a shock collar from my sister. I didn't have it tight enough at first, so I tightened it and she barked! She went screaming, not yipping or whinning, but screaming all the way back into the back room. I wanted to just cry! But she got used to it and now it doesn't have any effect on her. I just don't know how to stop it!
But that is my baby girl in a nutshell!

Baking Soda!!

So, every morning I get up make my coffee. Feed Gunnar, who is the happiest baby when he wakes up(I'm not looking forward to when that changes!) and then I turn on the music and we dance. I love to dance and it look like I'm rubbing off on Gunnar. So Cute! This morning I pulled out the camera trying to get a pic of him dancing, but when he see the camera he thinks oh I get a new toy. So he gets as close as possible and I only get shots of his eyeballs. This morning though I did something different. I made myself a mask and put it on my face and thought maybe someone out there in cyber space might like the recipe. I have very sensitive skin and I don't have alot of money to waste on facial products. So, I heard from the view one day about four years ago that Starr Jones(that tells you how long ago it was) used baking soda on her face everyday. Well, I tried it and it works so well. It's the only thing that doesn't make me break out even more. Then I decided to try and put an invigorating soap with it(the kind that makes your skin feel cold when you wash with it) and it was just a tiny bit with the baking soda. And I noticed with that combination it shrinks my pores down and keeps my skin clear! I like to play around with things, so I also found out that it you make a paste with it and put it on your pimple(I usually have the ones you think might have a gravitational pull) at night before you go to bed it dries the pimple out and makes it go buh-bye by morning! I like to play around with these things and it is wonderful when you can find things that work with out breaking your bank account!!