Thursday, April 9, 2009

Just so Frequent

Lately, it seems like people losing babies is just so frequent. I lost my little girl almost four years ago and sometimes, like now, it seems like it just happened. The pain I can usually bury in the back of my mind is just pulled to the front and to hear my son cry is such a relief. So I decided to get Achaella's story out of my head...
My ex-husband and I had gotten married and it was rocky from the beginning. Then we ended up pregnant 6 months later. I think it was at least a month before, but the doctor didn't want to listen to the most regular person in the world. Everything in the pregnancy was going fine. I felt strange about it but I put it off thinking my body was just going through so many changes that a doctor or a book couldn't really explain. I had to really strange dreams in that time. The first was me laying in a hospital bed with it propped up somewhat and someone sitting by my bed side. I was holding a baby and the baby wouldn't cry. So, for the next couple weeks I kept saying to everyone I can't wait to hear my baby cry. Then I had the second one and someone was bringing my baby to me while I was in bed. The baby was in a blue and red striped sleeper and the baby was crying! To my relief! So, when I was about 5 months pregant(according to the doctor) I started to bleed. I went into the er and they did an ultra sound and the tech thought that he had seen something, but when he went back to look again found nothing. The tech and my ex-husband had talked me into finding out the sex. I was going to have a little girl! I also found out that the little butterflies I had been feeling were not the sew farts that I so frequently had, were actually the little girl moving! I ended up changing doctors after that, because the nurse wasn't understanding in my worries about bleeding fresh blood and told me to just wait another week for my next appointment. I fought with her and he finally agreed to see me two days after. Then a day before my next appointment I started what I figured was braxton hicks. They started around 11:00am and went until 5:oopm. By 4:30 that day I thought if this is practice then I am going to have a rude awakening when labor actually starts! I went to my appointment the next day and my doctors nurse forgot to call me and tell that he was going to reschedule the appointment. So, I told the receptionist that I just wanted to make sure what I went through was braxton hicks, if another doctor could see me that would set my mind at ease. So, I saw doctor T. He said I had gone into labor because I had started to dialate. So I told him of my problems with the other doctor and I asked if I could have him be my doctor through the rest of my pregnancy and he said that he would. So, he put me on these pills to stop the contraction, which they kind of did, even thought they made me swell up so badly. I couldn't put my regular shoes on so I had to wear my sandals which had a thick strap and my skin would cover the strap from being so swollen. I had to go to the er a couple of times to get the shot from HELL to stop the contractions. But other than that things were going pretty well. I would drive to and from work and listen to music and sing and she would dance in my tummy. When I put my hand on my stomach she would either put her hand on mine(kind of like she was trying to hold my hand) or she would press her head into my hand. I would talk to her in the car and tell her things like I would make her very first halloween costume and if she wanted me to I would even make her prom dress. I would also tell her that I would make her life as happy as I could, I would kiss every booboo and hold her until she stopped crying. And most of all I told her that I loved her with all my heart. By August I decided that everthing was to stressful and kind of put myself on bed rest. On the 20th I felt really strange and I decided to stay in bed while my ex-husband had my cousin over. I only got up to make spaghetti. My ex was drinking and I didn't want to rush to the hospital to have another shot so I just dealt with the contractions, thinking I've gone this long with out the baby coming today will be fine. My cousin decided to spend the night and David finally came to bed around 12:00 and asked if I was ok and I said that I felt strange like something was wrong, but I decided to just go to sleep. I woke up at 1:00 in the most pain I had ever felt in my life. I woke david up and he was cranky, so I decided to just call the doctor and find out if I should come in or not. They said that I was probably in labor and should come in. 1:30 we left with my cousin driving. It only took about 20 minutes to get there, but it felt like a year. The pain had gotten so bad I started throwing up. We get there and go to the front of the building and the doors are locked with a sign saying to go to the back doors for an emergency. We get in there and they ask if I need a wheel chair and I said that I could make it. We went up to the second floor and the nurse told me to get changed in the bathroom of the room. As I got to walk out it feels like my water had broke. I open the door and tell david, he looks down and his face turns white. I look down and it is only blood and tons of it. He screams for the nurse and she gets me in the bed and puts the monitors on and then all hell broke loose I had iv's and and cathitor(however you spell that) and all the paper work. Then they push my bed into the operating room, the doctor is there and pulls up an ultra sound machine and yells at the nurse beside me that he lost the heart beat. They put the mask on my to put me under and he tells me everything is going to be ok. Meanwhile, my parents, cousin, and my ex-husband are in the room waiting. After I woke up in my room and everyone is there, and I told them I had lost her. My baby Achaella. I remember that and I remember when they brought her in so I could see her. I was in a hospital bed, I was kind of sitting up holding her with my mom at my bed side crying and the only things I could say is I want her to cry! Just like the first dream. The doctor came in alittle later in tears saying I tried, I didn't think it would end like this.
But on a happier note, I woke up after having my son, and my mother in law brought him in to my room crying because he was hungry in a blue and red striped sleeper.


Mary K Brennan said...

Hey There, Stopping in from SITS. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. It's hard to know how or why these things happen, but they're also harder to forget. Experience has taught me that you know your own body, and if the doctor doesn't listen, find another one. My oldest was due in Oct. 2003. He was born in July 2003. Like you, I felt strange at times. I felt something wasn't right. I was dismissed too quickly. My little boy had the fight of his life ahead of him. He is now 5 years old and he still has low muscle tone and is behind his peers. But we are lucky to have him. You're son is beautiful. This great blogging thing really helps when you need someone to talk to.

Gamma Sharon said...

Wow, what a nice comment! I think she is right, this blogging thing is great!
Love ya, Mom

Pixeltrash said...

No way! Your dreams were true. That's amazing. You are a stronger person for what has happened to you albeit the saddest story ever. It's too bad you had to go through it, but you certainly appreciate what you have. And what you have is ADORABLE! He's a sweetheart! Hug him up for me!
I found you on SITs.

Suki said...

I found you through SITS.
It's just amazing that your dreams sometimes simply tell you the truth.
Thanks for sharing.