I got my hopes up again! Sometimes the hope helps in looking to the future. But sometimes it just makes all the pain just hurt that much more. I am having a hard time. I feel like every step just isn't getting me anywhere! I'm going in circles and I can't find the right path for me or for my son. I started to feel like someone could actually love someone as broken as I am and he was just feeding me lines to try and get in my pants. I know I am not truly alone. The footprints in the sand are not mine, if they were they wouldn't be footprints but drag marks. But the hope of having someone with me and having a family just don't seem possible. I am living my life by the second, because I can't stand to think of the future and what it may hold or not hold for me. I wish I didn't have to for Gunnar's sake, but this is the only way I know how I can make him happy. He knows I am feeling down and I hate that, but I am trying. Sometimes it feels like things are just so messed up they are irreversable.
3 comments:
Your Momma loves you!!!
This might sound silly or cliche...but instead of focusing on the "future"....realize how precious each day with Gunnar is. :) It's really a simple equation: Mommy + son = days of learning, living, and loving. That's all. The rest comes in due time...just know that. In the meantime, it really looks like you're providing and loving your son. Don't worry yourself over what isn't....focus on the gift(s) you've got. Just two cents from a mama who's been there. Have a happy day.
Enjoy each day for what it is and leave the future to what it is - somewhere out there. You are probably incredibly tired most of the time with your job and that cute little guy. That, in and of itself, makes life seem as though it is working against you most of the time.
Nothing is irreversable - ever. We live and we learn. As long as we learn nothing needs reversing. ...you are worth more than the price of rubies. (Proverbs)
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